A renewal?

Adapting

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 20:59:14 -0400

Today delivered more than enough reason for me to want to write something down that I discovered.

My co-workers continually communicate to me on a daily basis the fact that they are so surprised by how “nice” of a person I am. Which, don’t get me wrong, IS flattering. But.. they address it like something is wrong with me. As if I shouldn’t be that way. Which has made me realize something about myself and just life in general:

I’ve started to notice that every day I’m in the “real world”, the negativity of other people around me and the stress that inevitably builds up around me is all trying to ultimately change who I am. You know, make me more hardened. Cynical. Less optimistic. Less “nice”.

And the more I seem to escape being dragged down by all the negativity and other various bullshit, the more I begin to question and ask myself,

“Can I really keep this charade up forever?”

I don’t ever want to compromise or lose the values that I’ve been fortunate enough to have had instilled in me throughout my life. The “nice guys finish last” principle has been thrown in my face my entire life. But on shitty days/moments like this, I try and remind myself (and I guess I’m doing that by writing it down) that if I made it this far the way I am, I’ve come way too far to give up on who I am now.

Especially because “now” is what matters most.

And Here I am

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 20:46:21 -0400

Remember when we were kids? Better yet, remember when we were kids and we were all asked the stereotypical question at one time or another, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

You have to admit, it’s sort of comical, looking back on it all. As if a six year old kid would have any idea what they truly want their career to be when they grow up. Being innocent to the world around us, we’d of course blurt out answers such as, “a fireman” or “a doctor” or “president” because the idea of being all those things didn’t seem impossible to us. In fact, the idea of being these things, these types of “people” in our society, felt all too real because there was nobody telling us that we couldn’t do it.

And then suddenly, here you are. You’re all grown up. And one day while you’re clearing out your house, you come across a piece of paper from nearly 18 years ago. The writing is horrendous, misspelled and all around barely legible. But the core message within the note stands out immediately:

“When I grow up, I want to be ________”

We laugh to ourselves reading the nostalgic filled note, but there’s another part of us that isn’t laughing. There’s another part of us that is beginning to resurface after years and years of slumber. The part of us that we’d like to forget. The part of us that we’d like to not be reminded of.

The part of us that didn’t end up becoming “blank”.

I don’t exactly think it’s fair to assume that we all had this “idea” or “vision” of what we wanted to do when we grow up while we were kids. I think I might be the rare exception that did figure it out when I was a kid. Our dreams change. Our visions shift. And that one idea you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life aspiring to yesterday, might turn out to be something completely different the next day.

Everyone figures out where their passion lies at their own pace and timing in life. But the sad truth is— not everybody has enough courage to follow it.

Our past self that screamed “I’m going to be president!” with absolute confidence at age six has gradually become drowned out by the reality that surrounds us on an every day basis. Now there ARE people telling us that we can’t do it. In fact, there are more people telling us we CAN’T do it than there are telling us that we CAN. The tables have turned. The grass is not greener. And suddenly, we open our eyes and we’re sitting at a cubicle asking ourselves, “Why did I pick up that note the other day? Why did I have to read that note and remind myself of what my life has become?”

Everything I just described sounds pretty dark, right? But that’s just the point—this doesn’t have to be our life. It doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m going to tell you exactly why speaking from my own personal life. And more importantly, speaking from my own personal dream.

Why do you think most people end up doing something they don’t love? The answer isn’t as complicated as you might think. It is NOT some uncontrollable factor that cannot be changed. It is NOT some kind of destiny that got thrown your way because you didn’t roll high enough. No, the reason that most people end up doing something they don’t love is because they settle for what is already in front of them.

They go for what is convenient. They go for what is stable enough to get them by. And once they have that stability established (even if it’s something they don’t love doing), they hold on to it and never look back. Because to them, this is the best they can do. Or at least, that’s what they begin to believe over the years. But the reality is, in believing this, they have become more lost and disillusioned than a 6 year old boy expressing his dream of becoming the next President of the United States of America.

Let me open the door a bit for you so you can get a glimpse. Over the last 8 months of my life, I have exited college and entered the working world. The “real world”, so to speak. I have been fortunate enough to have found a job right away. Better yet, I have been fortunate enough to keep this job and move up in it within the short time frame I’ve been at it. Is this job something I am truly passionate about? No. But is this job something that’s paying the bills and providing stability in my life?

Absolutely, yes.

The truth is, as the months started to pass, I started becoming more and more terrified that I would end up exactly like the “they” I mentioned above. Working at a job for the rest of my life doing something that doesn’t utilize or fulfill my passion. And what exactly is my passion?

“Dad… did you ask Mom about it?”

“Don, what’s he talking about?”

“A journal. He saw a journal he liked at the book store earlier today. He wants to go back and buy it.”

“A journal, huh?”

“It’s a ‘Goosebumps’ version one!”

“He does love ‘Goosebumps’…”

“Listen sweety, we’ll buy that journal for you. But you have to promise that you’ll actually write in it and not waste it.”

“I will, Mom. I promise.”

“You have to fill each page, okay?”

“Ok.”

“Alright. Let’s go back to the bookstore later this afternoon and get it.”

“Thanks Mom and Dad!”

I was in second grade when this happened. My parents bought me that journal and for the first time in my life, I started to write using my imagination instead of something a teacher was telling me to write about. Every day I started filling the pages more and more. I wrote about my life. I wrote about what was happening in it. And I wrote about the future too— the things I was looking forward to.

That journal got filled up, and by no means it was ‘novel material’. But from filling up that journal, I did come to realize perhaps the most important epiphany of my entire life:

My passion lied in writing. My passion was writing.

I always told myself that someday, I would write something that would have a positive affect on the world. But ever since I graduated and ended up “not saving the world” one day at a time, I have to admit that I had become discouraged up until now. The fact that I would wake up and go to sleep not having satisfied that passion in my life was killing me inside. And then, just when I was feeling at my mental worst, I got really sick. And remained sick for about an entire week.

Today was the first day I started feeling like myself again. But more importantly, today was the first day in what feels like forever that I told myself, “I’m going to write something today.”

And here I am.

Everyone has their own source of inspiration. And they lean towards it and hold it up like a light in the dark when things seem their most bleak. For me, my inspiration has always and will always be my Mom. I don’t need to go into the whole story because I feel like many of you already know it, but there are TWO life changing events that happened with my Mom that I always look back to and remind myself of when I am ever feeling like that dream of fulfilling my passion is fading away.

1) On my 13th birthday, my mom gave me a card. Within the card, it expressed to me how she thought I was special. That there was something much more to me that I hadn’t discovered yet and will some day down the road. After she read it, she looked at me and told me “I really do think you’re special. And I’m not just saying that either.” A few months ago when I was moving out of the house I had lived at my entire life, I found that same exact card she had given me. And the message has been instilled into me to this very day.

2) The day my mom died. That day fragmented me in many ways, but the one part I will never forget is the promise I made when I got into the hospital room. When I had accepted the fact that she only had a few more minutes left to live, I lost it. And I started talking to her. And one of the things I told her was that I promised I would be somebody. I promised I would go out and use what I’ve been through to help other people and make something of myself. And that’s a promise I literally remind myself of every single day of my life.

Getting back to the point… if you ever find something that inspires you… and please, trust me on this— listen to it. Listen to whatever is inspiring you and use it as your weapon. Because there are going to be a lot of shitty things that happen in life. Things that you probably hadn’t planned for, prepared for and that will sometimes knock you down so hard you won’t want to get back up again as the same person. But all those “shitty” things are life experiences that will DEFINE you as a PERSON. And from using that inspiration as your second wind, you can still find your way in this world. You can still be who you want to be.

You can still be happy.

I made myself another promise today. I promised myself that after I finish this big fundraising project I’ve been working on that will occur in July (and believe me, it’s going to be BIG), that I would turn my attention during my off time between work on my writing. And more specifically, on turning my writing into something the rest of the world can hopefully see.

So if you’re like me, and waking up to go to a job you might not necessarily “love” tomorrow, just remember— you can still be who you WANT to be in life. And just because you’re not where you want to be yet, doesn’t mean it’s not going to ever happen. Use the fact that you’re not there as a means to try and bring the dream closer to you. One day at a time. Don’t give up.

-Kyle

Maybe this will help.

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 21:06:08 -0400

What are you doing looking at the ground like that? Keep your head up, kid. You know better than that. You’re better than that.

Look, I get it. Honestly, I do. Because I’ve been there, kid. I have. But you know what? Looking down at the ground and “feeling sorry for yourself” isn’t going to get you anywhere. Trust me, kid. I know it’s hard to see clearly right now. Hell, it’s hard to see anything right now. But you have too much in front of you and too many things to do.

Do you want to let her down? Do you want to fall short? Better yet, can you live with that? Can you live with the fact of knowing you could have been “someone” but never went out and did it? Because I don’t think you can, kid. I’ve seen you. I’ve seen what you can do. You’ve got passion, kid. So why are you sitting around and wasting it?

Don’t think I haven’t heard your story, kid. Because I have. I’ve heard it thousands of times. Now, you can fall into the same trap most people fall into. You can look away from your dream and settle for whatever is in your path. I mean, why wouldn’t you do that? It’s easier. It’s more convenient. It’s what everyone else does, right? So why shouldn’t you?

Wake the hell up, kid. Do you really want to be another one of those people? Do you really want to be mediocre? Or do you want to actually finish what you started?

Do you have the courage to finish what you started?

It’s not about me, kid. No, not anymore. It’s about you now. You’re the one that made the promise to her. You’re the one that told her you would be “someone”. You’re the one that wants to make it in this world. So what the hell are you waiting for? Do you think staring at the ground like that is going to get you any closer to your dream?

I’m sorry, kid. But you’re the one with the dream here. And nobody claimed that pursuing a dream was ever easy- especially when it’s a big dream. You go to sleep every night thinking about it. And you wake up every morning wanting to be in it. So, let me ask you this: If you spend so much time wanting to be “someone”, why aren’t you spending more time actually becoming “someone”.

I’m being tough on you kid only because I care. I care about people like you. I know things haven’t exactly been easy. Especially lately. And yet, you still keep going. No matter how hard things get, you keep going. And you could have changed, kid. You could have changed and gone down different paths thousands of times in your life. But you didn’t, did you? You stayed true to who you were. You stayed the same person. You stayed you.

Look, kid. I’m on your side. My money is on you. I know the kind of person you are. But until you lift your head up, they’re never going to see you. And then what? Then where will you be? Then where will the dream be?

It’s not easy because it isn’t. Nothing is. But that won’t stop you, kid.

Will it?

This song is amazing. I feel like I keep posting song after song...

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 14:01:00 -0400

This song is amazing. I feel like I keep posting song after song of Childish Gambino. And you know what? So what? He’s just that talented and deserves to be heard. Do yourself a favor and listen to this song. Right now. Stop what you’re doing.

Relaxing night

Mon, 07 May 2012 03:07:23 -0400

Relaxing night

This guy is forever my hero. Singer, writer, and an actor....

Tue, 01 May 2012 22:13:37 -0400

This guy is forever my hero. Singer, writer, and an actor. Triple threat. Pure talent.

Back on it

Tue, 01 May 2012 05:45:00 -0400

What are you doing looking at the ground like that? Keep your head up, kid. You know better than that. You’re better than that.

Wake the hell up, kid. Do you really want to be another one of those people? Do you really want to be mediocre? Or do you want to actually finish what you started?

Do you have the courage to finish what you started?

It’s not easy because it isn’t. Nothing is. But that won’t stop you, kid.

Will it?

Back on my grind

Tue, 01 May 2012 05:05:36 -0400

If Cancer were a person, and I met him/her… how would the conversation go down?

Me: Never thought I’d be talking to you…

Cancer: Oh? You know who I am?

Me: I know enough.

Cancer: Maybe it’s just me, but am I sensing some hostility…?

Me: Honestly, how could anyone not be hostile towards you at this point?

Cancer: Ah, so you do know who I am… Well then, what do you want, kid?

Me: Just to talk.

Cancer: I’m a very busy person. You’ll have to excuse me if—

Me: I just want to talk. It won’t take long.

Cancer: Very well, have it your way. What do you want to know? You’ve made it pretty clear already that you know enough about me.

Me: Just because I know who you are, doesn’t mean I understand you.

Cancer: Touche.

Me: Do you know who I am?

Cancer: Of course I do… Not well, directly of course. But indirectly, yes. Hey, is this about your—

Me: I don’t care about that right now.

Cancer: You certainly used to.

Me: Well, Cancer, I’ve grown up a lot since then. I have too many things I still have to do. And I don’t have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself anymore.

Cancer: You have spirit, kid.

Me: Is that a bad thing?

Cancer: …

Me: To you it is, isn’t it?

Cancer: …next question, please.

Me: Alright then… How do you live with yourself?

Cancer: Live? Kyle, I don’t live. I exist, yes, but “live”? Don’t be silly.

Me: I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I? I’m not a scientist, but that seems pretty “live” to me.

Cancer: Ah, humor. I’m not used to seeing that either.

Me: Well…?

Cancer: Well what?

Me: I asked you a question.

Cancer: Ah yes, how do I “live” with myself? Let’s put it this way… when you have a pot of gold, do you worry about just one piece of it, or do you focus on the billions of pieces inside of it? I don’t have time to think about what I do, Kyle. There’s too many places and people for me to go.

Me: But you can’t just disregard someone’s life like that. Maybe they’re just one person, but that doesn’t mean—

Cancer: Next question.

Me: All right… why are you here?

Cancer: Getting philosophical, huh?

Me: If you’re not even alive, why should you care about philosophy?

Cancer: Again, humor. You’ll have to excuse me, Kyle. I’m not used to seeing this side of humanity.

Me: You’d be surprised what humanity is capable of. Now, answer the question.

Cancer: I’m here because it’s my job. Everybody has a job. And mine just so happens to be a little bigger than most other people’s. Is that so wrong?

Me: There’s such thing as retirement, you know.

Cancer: You should know by now that I’m not going anywhere.

Me: Oh, I do. Believe me, I’ve spent six years of my life thinking you would be going away… but that didn’t happen, did it?

Cancer: Ah, pain. That’s an emotion of humanity I deeply recognize.

Me: I have pain, sure. Who doesn’t? But the difference is I don’t let it stop me.

Cancer: Stop you? From doing what?

Me: You’ll see.

Cancer: Are you… threatening me?

Me: That’s ironic. You talking about threatening people when—

Cancer: Well, if you don’t mind, I have another person to attend to.

Me: Just one more question.

Cancer: …

Me: Just one more. It’ll be quick. I promise.

Cancer: Fine. Shoot.

Me: How did you feel when you took my mom away from me?

Cancer: I thought I already answered that. I don’t care what happens to each of you! There’s too many to keep track of.

Me: But you do remember her, don’t you?

Cancer: I do.

Me: So how did you feel when you took her away from me?

Cancer: You know I can’t answer that.

Me: Because I remember how it felt when you took her away from me. I remember being woken up by my dad. Telling me she was in the hospital. With you. And I remember driving there knowing I had to say goodbye. And I remember the last few moments before you left her for good in that room. Right before the sun was beginning to rise..

Cancer: What’s your point, kid?

Me: I haven’t forgotten what you did to me. What you did to her. And… well… I just want to thank you.

Cancer: Thank me? Why the hell would you thank me?

Me: Because if you weren’t there, I wouldn’t have turned into the person I am today.

Cancer: Is that it?

Me: Yeah. That’s it. You can go now.

Cancer: Very well. It was nice talking to you, Kyle. Maybe I’ll see you again one day.

Me: I certainly hope not.

Cancer: That’s what they all say.

Me: Wait.

Cancer: What do you want now?

Me: She won, you know.

Cancer: Who did?

Me: You know who.

Cancer: Whatever you say, kid…

(Cancer leaves)

The end of a linear path

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 17:47:34 -0400

It’s finally happened- my life has ceased to become linear.

Please allow me to explain:

Everything up until the end of college is a completely straight and linear path. That is to say, everybody (pursuing education, that is) moves down a straight line in the hopes of reaching the common goal: earning that damn degree.

“I finished first grade? Great, time to move on to second grade. Oh, I’m done with seventh grade now? Watch out, eighth grade, here I come! High school is already over? Well, looks like my college days have begun! College is over?

…wait, what the hell do I do now?”

You see, as cliche as it may sound, I didn’t notice this linear path set out before me until it was already over. Part of the comfort of being a kid and learning to grow up is the fact that we are all in the same exact place (for the most part). We’re assigned two lifelong tasks when we’re younger: 1) Get an education 2) Get a job. But what happens when you have the education, but not the job? My life is a linear path still, right? So now that I have an education, the next step in my straight-forward path is to get a job… right?

Wrong.

Getting a job after college isn’t the same linear path as school. Sure, in school you make choices that reflect the career that you will get in your life. But ultimately, it isn’t as simple as “go on to the next grade”. Once college is finished, the paths begin to open up. Suddenly a straight forward path we’ve been traveling down our entire life becomes a labyrinth that we’re supposed to somehow navigate in order to reach the next point of our life.

I’ve only spent about two weeks beginning to navigate that labyrinth and I’ll tell you: it’s pretty overwhelming. But if you look at it from a different angle, the labyrinth of real life also becomes pretty exciting. Think about it: Look at all the different paths you can take. Sure, some might lead to a dead end and true, others might not take you exactly where you pictured. However, those paths areyoursto take. This is what you’ve been preparing your entire life for- this is where it all begins.

To be honest, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t frightened like everyone else is after college. Like I said, the labyrinth of real life IS overwhelming at first glance. And given the current state of the economy, breaking into the specific path you want to take is becoming increasingly more difficult. Not impossible- just more difficult. I think that the smartest thing a person can do after college is to stop staring at the labyrinth from a safe distance, and just jump right into it. We waste so much time in life staring at things that overwhelm us. Instead, why not just go into it and try and make something of ourselves? After all, it’s not like we can get anywhere in life from just dreaming. We have to back those dreams up with real, genuine hard work.

The labyrinth is right in front of me. And I still have no idea where I’m supposed to go in it. But does that mean I’m giving up? Not by a long shot. Instead of being freaked out like every other post-graduate student who goes to live at home with their family again, I’m going to try and embrace the endless amount of choices I can make in my life right now. My path may not be linear anymore, but so what? That was getting boring. And besides, I’ve always been a fan of variety.

Give me some choices. Give me some options. Give me the opportunity to prove I can make my dream come true.

-Kyle

Sigma Nu

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 20:30:00 -0400

Joining a fraternity is undoubtedly one of the biggest decisions a gentleman will make not only within his entire college years, but perhaps within his entire life. This is due to the fact that, as I am sure many of you have heard before, joining a fraternity is a life long commitment. The letters that YOU choose to wear will be the same letters that YOU wear (with pride) for the rest of your entire life. In many ways, it is like getting a tattoo imprinted on your body. Everything you do from that point on will be associated with those particular letters. And everything you become from that point on will be because of those particular letters.

It is for this reason that when looking into joining a fraternity, you will want to be sure that you commit to the one that is most right for the individual. And yet, how does one ever truly know? How does one ever truly know what the “right” choice to make is? After all, each fraternity will tell you something different. Each fraternity will offer you something different. Each fraternity will want you to pay something different. And above all, each fraternity will BE different.

One of the biggest, and yet, most rewarding challenges a gentleman may endure in his life is deliberately choosing to make a difficult or tough decision. As I have already mentioned, joining a fraternity is indeed a life long commitment. It is a decision that only those with courage will make. And only those that share a thirst to become something better will succeed in.

If you’ve read this far, then you are probably already considering the possibility of joining a fraternity this upcoming fall at UCI. Therefore, the biggest question that now remains is this:

“Which fraternity do I want to try and join and why?”

Potential gentlemen and rushees, please allow me to turn my voice into a more personal tone:

It was no longer than a year ago today that I had absolutely no idea I was ever going to join a fraternity. To be completely honest, I had never even considered it. All the stereotypes I had seen or heard of were so off putting to me that I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. In fact, just the idea of hazing another human being absolutely disgusted me. I couldn’t imagine a person spitting in my face one second and then suddenly calling me a “brother” the next.

And then, while pondering about the approaching fall, I remembered a couple of the people from a fraternity at UCI I had randomly encountered throughout my first year of being a transfer student. We meet many faces in life, and many of those faces will either stick to us or simply fade away. However, for some reason, that, to this very day, I cannot fully describe, those particular people I had met stood out to me. There was something different about them. Something refreshing. Something new.

They were Sigma Nu.

A few days before the official rush started, I decided I would go out on a limb and take a chance. I wanted to see what this “Sigma Nu” was all about. I wanted to see what was so different about the few people that I had met previously that year at school. So on the first official day of rush, I walked towards the flagpoles where we were supposed to meet up, not knowing what or who I would find in this fraternity. I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for at that moment in my life. I just knew that I was looking for something more. Turns out, walking blindly towards those flagpoles was the best decision I had ever made.

I immediately began to realize that everything I had imagined in fraternities was simply that— my imagination. At least, within this particular fraternity it was. All the stereotypes were false. All the assumptions were a lie. And the dozens of brothers I was thrown in to suddenly meeting were all sincere. They were all what I considered to be “real” and all genuinely shared the desire to get to know the person that I was. Most of all, however, they all shared one important quality in common: They were all gentlemen.

As about an hour went by, I made it to the BBQ event they were holding for us at another brother’s house. After talking to a few of the brothers in one-on-one conversations, it began to hit me just how well they knew one another. It seemed as if each brother knew everything there was to know about all the other brothers. Whether it was where the person grew up, the other person’s favorite team, or a random fact from their childhood, these brothers knew everything about one another. And they cared about one another equally as well.

At first, I thought I had only met the ones that knew each other. You know, the ones that seemed to “have it down”. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that they were all on the same level with each other. They were all brothers. They were all friends. And this was indeed a true brotherhood.

From that day forth, I had been given such a positive first impression that I continued going to the rush events. And each one did not disappoint. In addition to meeting new faces, I continued learning more and more about what Sigma Nu was all about: Its principle values of love, honor and truth. Its overall intention to build stronger and better leaders. And the fact that it was founded on NON-HAZING. It seemed as if all my questions had been answered. And all my doubts that I had had previously in fraternities had been erased.

I got the bid. On the last day of recruitment I accepted the bid. And with that, I began my journey into becoming a Sigma Nu at UCI.

What’s candidacy like? Well, to put it into the words of a famous quote: “From the outside looking in you can never understand it. From the inside looking out you can never explain it.”

So yes, a year ago today, I had absolutely no idea I was ever going to join a fraternity. But it was also a year ago today that I was half the person I am now. It was a year ago today I was missing something in my life. It was a year ago today I lacked leadership qualities. It was a year ago today I didn’t have half the confidence I do now. It was a year ago today I wasn’t a Sigma Nu. I think you know where I am going with all this.

Today, I am the current president of the Lambda Omicron chapter of Sigma Nu at UCI. And I have never been more proud to belong and represent anything in my entire life. As fall rush slowly approaches, I encourage you all to take the same chance I did. To step out of your comfort zone and choose to make a tough decision.

Finally, If you’re only looking for just another fraternity to party with, Sigma Nu isn’t right for you. If you’re only looking for just another fraternity to meet girls with, Sigma Nu isn’t right for you.

However, if you’re looking for a true brotherhood… If you’re looking for a way to become a better leader… If you’re looking to be something more… Then we would like you to take that chance so that we might have the same chance to meet you.

Fraternally,

Kyle Lambky

Eminent Commander

Through the years, I’ve learned that there are some things in life you just have to give up...

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 18:31:27 -0500

Through the years, I’ve learned that there are some things in life you just have to give up on.

The only problem is, as Kanye would say: “For me, giving up’s way harder than trying”

Audio

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 00:03:46 -0500

Well this is overdue.

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 03:46:36 -0500

I learned a long time ago that the best (not to mention the most convenient) way I am able to express my thoughts and feelings is through writing. Unfortunately, I often make the embarrassing mistake of doing this verbally, which, basically, comes back to bite me every time. So this time, I’m going back to the basics. I’m going back to what I’m “good” at. Because for the first time in over 10 weeks… I actually have some free time.

So here we go:

A little over 10 weeks ago, I made probably the best decision of my life and decided to rush for Sigma Nu. I had been struggling with making that decision since January of this year, and what it really came down to was whether or not I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. Between January and late September, there had been so many signs in my life that joining a fraternity was that certain “thing” I was supposed to do next in my life. And well, I decided to stop ignoring it. And here I am, 10 weeks later…

..And honestly, I didn’t think it was possible to grow this much as a person in such a short period of time. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a long way to go before I’m where I want to be as a person. But how is that any different from the rest of the world? The facts remain, however, that since joining a fraternity I have never been as sure of myself than I am now. Not to mention, I haven’t ever felt this happy in my life. And that’s something I’m welcoming with wide open arms.

Sorry about that. Moving on…

I took a walk around my neighborhood for a good two hours tonight. Anyone that knows me well enough knows that walks are my way of relaxing and getting things together in my mind. Tonight was a little different though. I guess it’s finally starting to hit me about how fast things in my life have been moving over the past 10 weeks. And yet, it’s all been in the best possible ways. I’m not complaining that things are moving fast. In fact, I’m accepting of it and ready for whatever comes next. But tonight was the first night where I actually took the time to think about a lot of the things that have happened in the last 10 weeks of my life.

And just thinking about it all made me exhausted. Winter break couldn’t have come at any better of a time… it’s nice to have these weeks to myself and the people I care about around me.

Now, on to a side of things I didn’t really want to write about. But I feel the need to let things go a little bit.

This time of the year is actually pretty hard for me. I always play it off like everything’s fine, but I’m finding that this year it’s a lot harder than others. The plain and simple truth is that I miss having my mom around. I can’t help but think about the holidays and all the amazing memories I have of sitting under the tree next to her opening presents in her lap. And it gets harder and harder each year for me to accept the fact that there will never ever be a time in my life like that again.

I know that everything happens for a reason, but at the same time, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if my mom never got cancer. How much different would things be? And yet, what kind of a person would I be? How much farther ahead in life would I be if she was still here?

I can’t help but wonder. But it is what it is. And this is my life and where I’m at. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she’s gone, but I’m human. Of course I’ll admit that I miss her more around the holiday time. How could I not? But I know that I have to be strong for my dad because he’s been strong for me. I also know that a lot of people don’t ever get to say goodbye to the person they love before they die.. and I actually had the opportunity to do that. And that… that’s something I will never take for granted. Because in the blink of an eye, everything can change.

Part of the reason I try so hard is to make someone proud that isn’t even here anymore. Maybe that’s unhealthy. Maybe that’s bad. But the fact is, at least I have motivation in my life because of my mom. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without everything that happened to her. And I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t be who I am today if she didn’t leave.

It’s hard to believe things happen for a reason, especially when they’re such horribly painful things at the time… but it’s true. Everything has a purpose. And, as cliche as this sounds, I actually know, or rather, believe, that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in my life right now.

Irvine. UCI. An English major. My dreams. Sigma Nu. My friends. The people I care about.

Everything is where it’s supposed to be.

So let’s see what happens next.

(ps this is definitely a stream of consciousness writing. So basically, I’m writing the first things that come in to my head and not going back to change anything. I like it that way. It’s more natural. That’s why this probably comes off as being so scattered. Oh wellllll!)

A

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 01:28:00 -0500

(from a few months ago)

Hey kid,

What’s wrong? Why you staring at the ground like that? Don’t you know you should be keeping your head up? You’re a winner, but you just don’t know it yet. You’re too sad, confused— you’re stuck. You think that this moment is forever. You’re looking down and missing everything that’s ahead of you. Lift your head up, kid. Lift it up and see everything that’s in front of you.

Kid, I’m not going to lie to you. What you have in front of you isn’t easy. But that’s because you have things to do— things to prove. You said you had a dream didn’t you? I heard you say it. Don’t think I didn’t. And I know you’re one of those kids that lays awake at night, thinking about your dreams. Keeping you up late until the last thought that goes through your mind is of being that “something”. Being that “someone”. I know that feeling too kid, because I had dreams too. But I didn’t get them by just staring at the ground, settling for the first thing my eyes traced upon.

Look, kid. I want you to win. I want you to make it. Now, if you want to give up on your dreams and lower the bar, then by all means do it. It’s your life and you’re only as good as how much you think you’re worth. But kid, I heard what they said about you. I heard how they spoke of you. They had faith in you, so what’s stopping you from having faith in yourself? Look up, kid. Look up and keeping raising your head up. Keep raising your head up until you’re looking at the dream. Now, there’s going to be a lot of things that will make you want to put your head down. But you have to keep it up there. Because kid, it’s worth it. You’re worth it. And people will tell you otherwise. Everywhere you go, people will tell you otherwise. But you can’t listen to them, kid. You can only listen to yourself.

I’m sorry kid, but you’re the one with the dream here. Not me. Not anymore at least. I already got what I wanted. Look, you knew it wouldn’t be easy the second you made that promise to her. You knew what you were getting yourself into. If you walk away from this, then you’re walking away from everything you could be. And then who the hell would you be? Just another kid that gave up on his dream? Just another kid that gave up? Just another kid?

Wake up, kid. Go out there and get what you’re worth.

I miss this

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 01:29:21 -0500

I miss this

Love this song.

Sun, 17 Oct 2010 13:35:39 -0400

Love this song.

Repeat

Sat, 16 Oct 2010 01:10:20 -0400

The other day I was listening to Airplanes Part two by B.O.B featuring Eminem. Much better than the original version, but that’s besides the point. Anyways, I listened to Eminem’s verse over and over again because it kept talking about pretending things were different in his own life. And what he “basically” talks about is how we could spend all the time in the world wishing all the bad events had never occurred in our lives while growing up, but in the end, it’s those moments that define who we really are. And without them, some people would never have the motivation to go out and get what they really want out of life.

I started thinking about this in terms of my own life, and it really got me thinking that there is literally nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, that I would change with everything that has ever happened to me. The good, but quite strangely enough, mostly the bad. Because while there are many things I wish I still had or could have… I know that if I didn’t go through everything that I’ve gone through up to this point of my life, I wouldn’t have the motivation to make it to the top. And I will. Someday. But as for the here and now, I have no regrets and will continue to have no regrets on everything that happens to me in my life. I wouldn’t change a damn thing, and to be honest, I’d do it all over again if I had to.

One of the things I absolutely cannot stand and am so guilty of doing is having self pity. Self pity gets you absolutely nowhere in life, and it’s like a drug. The more you tap into it, the more and more it keeps you coming back wanting more. If you sit around wishing and wishing and feeling sorry for yourself, how the hell are you going to get what you truly want out of life? The answer is simple:

You won’t.

Life has many hits. Some hurt. Some hurt more than others. And some hurt so fucking bad that you’ll be on the ground. But as the great Rocky Balboa once said, “It’s not about how hard you can hit… it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” You know why bad things happen to good people? Because bad things happen to everyone. It’s just part of life. And I know that sounds depressing, and I know that it’s because it is depressing, and I know this feels like it’s going nowhere, and I know that the present moment feels eternal, and I know that you’re worried, and I know that you’re scared, and I know that you have your own demons to fight off….

But if those emotions didn’t exist… if that struggle didn’t exist, what would we have to fight towards? If I got everything I ever wanted out of my life, if my dad didn’t lose his job of 14 years and we were rich by now, if I got every girl I ever fell for, if I still had my mom… If, If, If, If.

…Then I wouldn’t appreciate the one day where I finally make it and my dreams DO come true.

(yeah, I know. It’s a cliche ending to a probably cliche note. But you know what? I don’t care. I’m just writing what’s in my heart. Okay that was pretty bad too…)

Datarock-Amarillion Heard this song on an episode of Chuck....

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 23:15:51 -0400

Datarock-Amarillion

Heard this song on an episode of Chuck. That show has always been consistent with having a great soundtrack, but this song in particular I found to be quite special. At least, to me.

Yeah, I remember when I was a kid. My mom would always pick me up from elementary school even though...

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 22:43:38 -0400

Yeah, I remember when I was a kid. My mom would always pick me up from elementary school even though I could have easily walked the 500 foot distance, which, back then, seemed like 8 football fields. I’d always walk out by myself. Not because I didn’t have any friends— I did. But they all seemed to leave at different directions from where I went. And I remember that every time I walked out to the same spot where my mom would pick me up, I would watch other kids my age walking together with all their friends. Laughing, joking around. Smiling. They were all smiling. And then, I gradually started to put my head down as I walked.

The next thing that always followed was my mom spying on me from the distance and yelling, “Put your head up! You look like a loser when you walk like that!”

Harsh words. But I finally get what she was trying to tell me.

When I do these kind of writings, I’ll be honest with you, I’m fully aware of how little I hold back. And this is going to be no exception. But tomorrow promises absolutely nothing. If I don’t have enough time to make my mark on the world, then I figure this is as close as I’m going to get. So, here we go.

I don’t understand why I put my head down all that time ago. Maybe it’s simply because it’s a hell of a lot easier to look down than it is to look up in life. Like I previously stated, I had friends. And I had a family. I had what I would naturally define as a GOOD life. But for some reason, when I was alone, I started feeling insecure about myself. And then suddenly, I would start to forget everything in front of me. I began to feel insecure.

Everybody is insecure. I don’t care who you are, how confident you say you are, or how put together you may seem. You’re insecure. I’m insecure. We’re all insecure.

In today’s social norms, people try to cover up these insecurities. It’s like having a giant pimple on your face. Of course you don’t want people to see it. So you find other things to put over it. Materialistic things, or maybe you may act a certain way to distract others from it. People will literally do anything to hide their insecurities. And sometimes it will work. But it’s always there. Behind everything, it’s always there.

I’ve struggled with my own set of insecurities all my life. For example, I remember how the only reason I would work out was to try and escape the teasing of being “too skinny”. I was working out to hide that insecurity. To escape it. So what do you think happened when I finally did put on a few pounds? Did the insecurity go away?

No.

You’d think it would, wouldn’t you? I mean, run away from something long enough you’re bound to get away from it, right? But the truth is, insecurity will flow from one place to another. I seriously think that there’s always something we’re going to be insecure about. And no matter how many plastic surgeries, work outs, hair cuts, etc., it’ll still be there.

I don’t get this. It’s unfair to think that no matter how hard we might try to overcome our insecurity, it will only manifest itself in a different area of life. Which leads me to believe that, maybe, we’re not supposed to hide our insecurities. Maybe we’re supposed to embrace them.

Let me tell you something… My ultimate dream in life is to both write and act in hollywood. How the hell is a kid that hung is head down everywhere he walked as a kid supposed to be something like that? It sounds crazy, probably because it is crazy, probably because I’m crazy, probably because it’s all crazy and probably because that’s what dreams are. They’re crazy. But for some reason, I believe with everything in me, that if I work hard enough, I can one day be what I want to be.

We’re all insecure. I get that part. But the part I don’t get is when we let our insecurities get in the way of who we want to be in life. Or rather, what we want to get out of life. Now THAT’S crazy. To think, we could be something we always wanted to be, but instead we let something small like a pimple get in the way of it.

So Mom, I’m keeping my head up for you.

Literally no passion

Sat, 04 Sep 2010 04:43:16 -0400

If I had the passion I would.

I don’t know why, but for the last month maybe month and a half I have had almost no passion. I don’t know where it is, but it seems to be misplaced.

Could I have it back please? I’d really like to live with it.